It hurts. Mostly in your stomach, a sort of nausea. You don't want to look at it straight on because then the pain goes all over and you start to cry, and you don't want to cry. You've never had to fight back tears before, but then you found yourself biting your lip, breathing shallow and looking down with such ferocity because you knew if you started to cry now it would turn into the heaving sobbing, snot mixing with tears kind of crying and that's no way to say goodbye.
Later, I would wish I had called out his name. I was standing on the bridge, and I watched him board the ferry. Somehow, this would hurt even more than the fact that he didn't look back since I know he couldn't have imagined I was watching. I would wish I had called out his name, wish I had seen him turn, given him one last wave, maybe even shouted i love you, or Trevor, i pine for you. The first would have made him blush, the second made him laugh. Eventually I decide that my voice would have been lost in the wind, and what could have been sadder than calling out his name and him not even hearing?
You thought that heartbreak came from another's deception. What do you tell your broken bits when its you who half betrayed it?
You thought that when the lovers say "i love you" that means they're
going to stay together, that "i love you"
was the final beginning. Where do you go from "i love you, goodbye?"
